Lessons Learned from CSI

Yesterday, I woke up, looked around and decided my house needed some attention. One of my old teachers used to say that the current condition of your living space was a direct reflection of the current condition of your life. If this is true, my life was a complete disaster. I resolved to not leave my house until I instilled some much needed order.

While folding 4 loads of laundry, I began watching a CSI marathon on Spike TV. I like background noise when I’m at home so I ended up hearing at least 5 episodes. That’s right, 5 hours of murder mystery and mayhem. I told you my life was incredibly exciting. During this time I made several observations

1. Single girls who live alone should not watch CSI marathons.

I would venture to say at least half of the story lines involve some poor girl who owns a cat and has 10 take out menu’s on her fridge who is killed and not discovered for weeks because she lives by herself. They then spend the next hour explaining how she was an easy target because she obviously had no family or friends or anyone who cared about her since she lived alone.

2.If your house is dirty, they will never ever find your killer.
I don’t understand how it is possible that every person who gets killed lives in such an immaculately clean house that the detectives are able to find a single accidentally left hair, or a clothing fiber that eventually breaks the case. If I am killed, the detectives will never find my killer because they will have to sift through piles of dust, debris and hair to find the one or two odd ones that don’t match the rest. So, thank you yesterday’s CSI marathon, I know that I am an easy target and if I don’t get my house clean they will never ever find my killer.

3.If your sheets are clean, they will never ever find your killer.
I like to keep my blogs pg so I won’t go into details on what sorts of interesting clues can be discovered on victims sheets; however, it is worth noting that while there are never any stray hairs in the homes where murders are solved, there are always dirty sheets. In the 5 episodes I watched 3 were solved with help of dirty sheets.

4. There are things I should be afraid of that I didn’t even know existed.
Someone was killed with a meat bullet. That’s right, the bullet was made of frozen meat and not only wounded the man but filled him with maggots that are usually only found in cows. I don’t think this needs any further explanation. Be afraid.